Here I am on the eve of Christmas, trying to get settled into my room. I have lived in this apartment for more than a month, and there are still several boxes that are waiting to be unpacked. My life is crazy. While unpacking I found my favorite journal from when I was in Masters Commission. Its covers from the start of the year at retreat, to when we left for Del Mar in May. The most transformational, intense 9 months of my life so far
I can literally see a transformation taking place in myself as I read through it. The first few pages are all about how I hate how selfish I am, how I need to sacrifice and surrender, and let go. I talk about being tired (because I was fighting with the enemy ALL THE TIME). At one point I asked Jesus if I could just stop for a little while, because I couldn't fight anymore, and it would have been so much easier just to walk away, and live a normal life. I read this journal now and see that there are small pieces of truth mixed in with a whole lot of religion; none of the truths were powerful to me at the time, because I wasn't empowered to use them.
And that's where this is going; I am making a point about how dangerous it is to live redeemed unto the law, but not romanced and reveled unto relationship. (alliteration!)
Actually I am making several points about several things, but that is one of them.
Living a life that is only half redeemed sucks, I know because I lived it for a while.
My thoughts about myself, and the Lord looked like this:
"I suck. I sin. I am a sinner, and I suck. I need to die to my flesh. I need to yield I to I am. I need to get rid of all of me. I hate me. I need to live a life free from sin, because if I don't then ________ (God wont love me, I won't able to stay where I am, I will lose the approval of the people I love, I will [ultimately] go to hell, I will be sad, I will just continue to get worse, I will fall into sin and I won't be able to get out and I will become demonically oppressed and there will be no hope for me, I will not be able to fulfill my destiny, I will not be able to impress people/The Lord, I will lose my Joy/hope/peace/patience/kindness/goodness, I will end up on the path to HELL) I don't know how to live a life free of sin, it is hard, and there is very little incentive. Satan attacks me all the time and I don't know how to defend myself. I fight him, and I lose. I am afraid that I am not doing enough. I need to work harder. I need to be an armor bearer, and I need to do things for my leaders to impress them and make them like me so that they will promote me and I can do more for the Lord. (Thereby earning more approval from godman). I need to get saved
again. I need to be more like _________ because they please the Lord. I am not ________ enough (beautiful, talented, eloquent, smart, funny, likeable, personable, biblical, religious) to ___________ (change the world, effect a life, move mountains, heal the sick, raise the dead, be a pastor, teacher, prophet, evangelist, apostle, to have a dream). I hear a lot about how people's dreams never come true, but that it's ok if they don't. If this is true then what is the point of dreaming? I will just make someone else's dream come true, and then I will begin to dream for my own life. But I love Jesus, and He loves me."
I can't imagine that my mindset was that much different than most people in church right now. That was just the beginning of the year! And then slowly, I can see revelation coming through from Jesus. There are about 6 pages of notes from the Kingdom Culture that I live in now; they are my favorite pages J. I want to share that revelation with you. It's good stuff that has made my life so much better. I make some large sweeping statements, so if one of them offends you, take the meat and leave the bones.
First: God didn't send Jesus to save you, He sent Him to kill you. Old things have passed away behold, all things have become new. Baptism is the ultimate reflection of that action. Your old man is dead, so quit resurrecting him and blaming him for your sin. Confront sin, and overcome it. It is your right as a child of the King to kick the enemy out of your palace.
Second: God likes you. You. Not you who does this and that, and loves that and this, just You. He loves you apart from what you do and the sins you like. He loves you. There was no you, and then He made you, and there you are. Me personally, I don't make things I don't like. I don't think God does either. And nothing that we do can make us more pleasing to Him. We are His children, and therefore He loves us, even if we don't clean our room.
Third: while it is important to yield our will to the Lord, it is even more important that our will reflects His will. And His will is that what is done in heaven be done on the earth. I am going to make a broad sweeping statement here: If you are doing something that brings the reality of heaven to earth, then you are doing God's will. Not only that but your dreams and desires were put in you for a reason. So you like to dance, draw, paint, create, write, act, speak, work, plan, negotiate, relate, delegate, and whatever? Great, now take that and use it to bring heaven to earth.
Fourth: I have to believe that God doesn't want me to be miserable. If "dying to your flesh" is beginning to look like letting someone else control your destiny, move.
Fifth, and finally: Live a righteous life out of Love. Don't try to be sin-free out of fear, it won't work. Live a life that is pleasing unto the Lord, talk to Him about it, ask Him questions! When we allow God to romance us we move from the "fear of godman" to the "fear of the Lord". This is what that looks like for me:
"Jesus I love you, and you love me, and right now we are so close. I love this intimacy, and I love it when you teach me things. I love to play and giggle and dance with you. I love this. I love it when you work in me, and I love that I am IN you, I love that wherever I go you are in me and you can speak through me and release your powerful love. I love it when you show me things. I love it when I am talking to someone and I can see you in them! You are beautiful. You have captured my heart, and you have ruined me to all other lovers.
I want nothing but you, and more of you."
And in that reality, sin sucks, because if I sin, I have to let go of my beloved, and that is something that I am simply unwilling to do. I won't lay down my blessing to take up offense. And when I know who I am, seated with Christ in heavenly places, suddenly Satan seems really lame. Like a real slick salesman with a product that will kill you, a good negotiator with no follow through, a pauper, not a prince, a thief, not a philanthropist. He's the guy that's taking everybody's inheritance, and that's illegal!
So seriously kids, don't live the half redeemed life. It's no fun, living in the struggle. Come into who you are in Christ, a new creation, You are the one that He adores.
This is a list that I made in December 2007. One year later and I have everything that I asked for.
Bill Johnson asked us to make this list at the end of a sermon he gave on the very last Sunday in 2007.
He said ask for practical things, faith stretching things, and faith exploding things.
God gave me all of those things, and much, much more. I love Him. I love that my heart explodes with thankfulness when I look at the past year of my life.
I love this journey.
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