Dear Blog,
I have the start of about 10 different post saved in Word. I am sorry I haven't shared them with you. I still like you, I am just busy, and no one really reads you anyway. So long for now blog, maybe we will be together again one day.
And by the way, it's not you, it's me.
Except, it really is you. I am kind of a blog snob now and I have design lust bad. AND you are so demanding! You never post my pictures right! Your navigation couldn't lead a camel to water! I need more, B, I simply need more.
Besides, I can’t even talk about you at work, for fear of my job, and I can’t talk to you about my job, for fear of my job. Dearest blog, I have no desire to be Dooced, and apply for unemployment, so I am afraid this is the end of us for now. Maybe I will visit you every now and then... a proverbial bloggy call if you will.
Good luck, I know you will have no trouble moving on, you have millions of others to keep your RSS feed ticking at night. You won’t even miss me will you? But my ad revenue, you will miss that. You were only into me for my Daddy Google-bucks anyway. I see it all so clearly now.
Don’t worry about me Bloggy, I will be fine. I have been flirting with a publisher far superior than you, I won't tell you his name, but his initials are MT. He is open to me having a relationship with WP as well. Last night WP leaned over and whispered in my ear... you know what he said B? Do you? I know you want to know.
He got so close I could feel his breath and he whispered "domain names".
It sent a shiver down my spine.
Oh B, You opened my eyes to the wonders of the blogosphere. You got my blog rolling (iykwim), and drove me into the arms of GR. For that I thank you.
Let’s not leave angry B, we taught each other so much.
I will keep in touch,
(my netiquette tells me I must)
Toni
As the very wise Bill Johnson said recently,
" 2008 was a year for new beginnings… and man did that hurt!".
Change hurts. New things are tedious, annoying, painful, and not nearly as comfortable as the old stuff. There are several new things in my life; in fact I can only point to a precious few things that are still the same. My family is in a new place, my parents separated in July, and now my dad has a girlfriend. I have a new job at a furniture store. My car is new! In November I bought a 2006 Mazda 3i, which I have since named Maverick, as a nod to Sarah Palin and all of the entertainment that she brought me in the months leading up to the election. I live in a new place, for the third time this year! I have a new church to call home, and along with that I have a new mindset that comes with new “eyes to see and ears to hear”.
And I have a new dream list:
Life Things:
Get a dog.
Be prosperous in life, love, family, faith, and finances.
Own a business (or two) that furthers the Kingdom
See someone resurrected from the dead.
+Through my hands, or someone else’s
Run a foster care facility for boys and girls ages 11-18
+Help foster kids get into and through college
Set 10,000 people free from bondage.
Give away 1000 material possessions every year
Experiences:
Visit the Philippines
Go to the Winter and Summer Olympic games
Tran-Siberian Train Trip
Road trip to LA via hwy 395, home via hwy 101.
Live in Seattle
Live in Chicago
Live in the Bay Area
+know SF like the back of my hand
Self Improvement:
Learn to Sew, Knit, Crochet, and Quilt
Sell a painting
Publish a book of photography that outlines the historical significance of houses/buildings
in the Bay Area.
Learn to hang shelving, pictures, etcetera, on my own
Read at least 1001 books (from the list 1001 books to read before you die)
Learn about wine, perfume, and cooking
I would love to read your dream list too!
Here I am on the eve of Christmas, trying to get settled into my room. I have lived in this apartment for more than a month, and there are still several boxes that are waiting to be unpacked. My life is crazy. While unpacking I found my favorite journal from when I was in Masters Commission. Its covers from the start of the year at retreat, to when we left for Del Mar in May. The most transformational, intense 9 months of my life so far
I can literally see a transformation taking place in myself as I read through it. The first few pages are all about how I hate how selfish I am, how I need to sacrifice and surrender, and let go. I talk about being tired (because I was fighting with the enemy ALL THE TIME). At one point I asked Jesus if I could just stop for a little while, because I couldn't fight anymore, and it would have been so much easier just to walk away, and live a normal life. I read this journal now and see that there are small pieces of truth mixed in with a whole lot of religion; none of the truths were powerful to me at the time, because I wasn't empowered to use them.
And that's where this is going; I am making a point about how dangerous it is to live redeemed unto the law, but not romanced and reveled unto relationship. (alliteration!)
Actually I am making several points about several things, but that is one of them.
Living a life that is only half redeemed sucks, I know because I lived it for a while.
My thoughts about myself, and the Lord looked like this:
"I suck. I sin. I am a sinner, and I suck. I need to die to my flesh. I need to yield I to I am. I need to get rid of all of me. I hate me. I need to live a life free from sin, because if I don't then ________ (God wont love me, I won't able to stay where I am, I will lose the approval of the people I love, I will [ultimately] go to hell, I will be sad, I will just continue to get worse, I will fall into sin and I won't be able to get out and I will become demonically oppressed and there will be no hope for me, I will not be able to fulfill my destiny, I will not be able to impress people/The Lord, I will lose my Joy/hope/peace/patience/kindness/goodness, I will end up on the path to HELL) I don't know how to live a life free of sin, it is hard, and there is very little incentive. Satan attacks me all the time and I don't know how to defend myself. I fight him, and I lose. I am afraid that I am not doing enough. I need to work harder. I need to be an armor bearer, and I need to do things for my leaders to impress them and make them like me so that they will promote me and I can do more for the Lord. (Thereby earning more approval from godman). I need to get saved
again. I need to be more like _________ because they please the Lord. I am not ________ enough (beautiful, talented, eloquent, smart, funny, likeable, personable, biblical, religious) to ___________ (change the world, effect a life, move mountains, heal the sick, raise the dead, be a pastor, teacher, prophet, evangelist, apostle, to have a dream). I hear a lot about how people's dreams never come true, but that it's ok if they don't. If this is true then what is the point of dreaming? I will just make someone else's dream come true, and then I will begin to dream for my own life. But I love Jesus, and He loves me."
I can't imagine that my mindset was that much different than most people in church right now. That was just the beginning of the year! And then slowly, I can see revelation coming through from Jesus. There are about 6 pages of notes from the Kingdom Culture that I live in now; they are my favorite pages J. I want to share that revelation with you. It's good stuff that has made my life so much better. I make some large sweeping statements, so if one of them offends you, take the meat and leave the bones.
First: God didn't send Jesus to save you, He sent Him to kill you. Old things have passed away behold, all things have become new. Baptism is the ultimate reflection of that action. Your old man is dead, so quit resurrecting him and blaming him for your sin. Confront sin, and overcome it. It is your right as a child of the King to kick the enemy out of your palace.
Second: God likes you. You. Not you who does this and that, and loves that and this, just You. He loves you apart from what you do and the sins you like. He loves you. There was no you, and then He made you, and there you are. Me personally, I don't make things I don't like. I don't think God does either. And nothing that we do can make us more pleasing to Him. We are His children, and therefore He loves us, even if we don't clean our room.
Third: while it is important to yield our will to the Lord, it is even more important that our will reflects His will. And His will is that what is done in heaven be done on the earth. I am going to make a broad sweeping statement here: If you are doing something that brings the reality of heaven to earth, then you are doing God's will. Not only that but your dreams and desires were put in you for a reason. So you like to dance, draw, paint, create, write, act, speak, work, plan, negotiate, relate, delegate, and whatever? Great, now take that and use it to bring heaven to earth.
Fourth: I have to believe that God doesn't want me to be miserable. If "dying to your flesh" is beginning to look like letting someone else control your destiny, move.
Fifth, and finally: Live a righteous life out of Love. Don't try to be sin-free out of fear, it won't work. Live a life that is pleasing unto the Lord, talk to Him about it, ask Him questions! When we allow God to romance us we move from the "fear of godman" to the "fear of the Lord". This is what that looks like for me:
"Jesus I love you, and you love me, and right now we are so close. I love this intimacy, and I love it when you teach me things. I love to play and giggle and dance with you. I love this. I love it when you work in me, and I love that I am IN you, I love that wherever I go you are in me and you can speak through me and release your powerful love. I love it when you show me things. I love it when I am talking to someone and I can see you in them! You are beautiful. You have captured my heart, and you have ruined me to all other lovers.
I want nothing but you, and more of you."
And in that reality, sin sucks, because if I sin, I have to let go of my beloved, and that is something that I am simply unwilling to do. I won't lay down my blessing to take up offense. And when I know who I am, seated with Christ in heavenly places, suddenly Satan seems really lame. Like a real slick salesman with a product that will kill you, a good negotiator with no follow through, a pauper, not a prince, a thief, not a philanthropist. He's the guy that's taking everybody's inheritance, and that's illegal!
So seriously kids, don't live the half redeemed life. It's no fun, living in the struggle. Come into who you are in Christ, a new creation, You are the one that He adores.
This is a list that I made in December 2007. One year later and I have everything that I asked for.
Bill Johnson asked us to make this list at the end of a sermon he gave on the very last Sunday in 2007.
He said ask for practical things, faith stretching things, and faith exploding things.
God gave me all of those things, and much, much more. I love Him. I love that my heart explodes with thankfulness when I look at the past year of my life.
I love this journey.
